When will I ever grow up?
Lately the Lord has been revealing who I am... not who I want to be, not who He says I am but who I really am.
The Me that comes out when things don't go the way I planned them, the Me that comes out when I don't do my best, the Me that lashes out when frustrated or tired, the Me that comes out when I am ignored, or when someone says something that isn't true about me.... and... and... I don't like what I see.
They say that trials and hardships show who you really are and I'm not liking what I'm seeing.
I'm not seeing Jesus.
I see a selfish, irresponsible, prideful, ungrateful, little girl full of flesh who desperately needs a Savior.
Boy, did it hurt to say that.
But I don't want to stay this way. Normally when I see something that needs to change in my life I despair of ever becoming like Him. Shouldn't I already have these basic principles of love, joy, peace, etc down already? Have I really been missing it all this time? I believe the Lord has been telling me Yes and No. It's not that I haven't "gotten it" because frankly I don't think I ever will perfectly. I am not supposed to be a perfect little replica of Jesus but instead I am to reflect His life just as the moon reflects the light of the sun. On it's own the moon is nothing but a large rock in the sky (not very scientific I know) but because of it's inability to do any thing "on it's own" it because the brightest light in our night sky. Am I not the same way? On my own I am completely helpless but when I yield and allow myself to simply be a surface, a plain, boring, ordinary surface He can reflect His life through it.
My whole christian life I have been learning the lessons of unconditional love, of peace that passes all understanding and of joy that comes in the mourning. And the learning will never stop. I will never have it "down" so to say.. A dear friend told me that we are much like onions, each layer needing to be peeled away. There is always another "peel" in my life that needs to be torn off.
But it keeps me broken. And the more I think and dwell on it the more I realize that's what He wants.
He just wants me to know it's not about me it's about Him.... and to remember that, always.
Teach me the lessons You need to. I am listening and learning. I am open. I know You have purpose in it all. Help me to see each lesson and pass them for Your glory, not for my own edification but instead, so You can reflect through me. I know that even in Your chastening You are showing me that You love me. Thank you.